


Anything

by burn_me_up_scotty



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Assumes Clay and Justin are both 18 by the end of season 3, Clustin, Drug Addiction, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Mature content in chapter 7, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 11:36:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20656595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burn_me_up_scotty/pseuds/burn_me_up_scotty
Summary: If you thought Season 3 was clearly setting up Clay-slash-Justin, or if you can't get Clay telling Justin "I'd do anything for you" out of your head, then I wrote this fic for you.In it, Clay and Justin learn to accept help from others while they rebuild their lives. Along the way, they realize their feelings for each other might be a little more complicated than they thought.If you’re looking for a slow-burn, angsty fic that explores Clay and Justin’s relationship, with a big side of family dynamics, then keep reading!





	1. What Really Happened at Thanksgiving

**Author's Note:**

> Please note: Contains 13 Reasons Why - Season 3 spoilers and touches on many of the same issues as the show itself. 
> 
> This story takes some liberties with the Season 3 finale in order to get us on a path to Clay/Justin. It assumes that Jess and Justin’s relationship is less cut and dry, and that Ani and Clay don’t tell Ani’s mom they’re dating. Otherwise, I did my best to stay within Season 3 canon. 
> 
> Regarding Justin’s addiction, this fic is based in part on what I know and could find online about rehab and sobriety. However, my primary goal was telling the story I wanted to tell in the best way for the relationship, rather than a true description of getting sober. I apologize if I simplified a very difficult process or got it wrong in any way. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!

Clay loved his family’s Thanksgiving tradition, despite its inherent corniness. But it always stressed him out to think of what to say. Would it make his parents happy, would his cousins make fun of him, did he even know what it meant to feel thankful? This year, surrounded by his parents, Tony, Caleb, and Justin, it wasn’t any easier. It felt like he’d lived a thousand lives in the past month, too much to condense into a single statement of gratitude.

When the circle got to Justin, Clay was still lost, focused inward. But when Justin announced that he hadn’t stayed clean, Clay was pulled back into the moment. The tears rolling down Justin’s face were a shock. Clay had heard Justin crying before, of course, late at night, or when Clay told him about the adoption. But Justin had never cried so openly like this.

“And I, I probably need more help,” Justin continued.

Clay had witnessed Justin’s bravery in a million different ways, but asking for help like this, admitting weakness, was a whole new side of Justin. The tears showed so much vulnerability and hope. Clay had never been prouder of his friend.

Justin coughed quietly, and Clay realized he’d gotten lost in his own thoughts again. It was his turn. He decided if Justin could be honest, so could he. “I’m, I’m thankful to be here with all of you. And, uh, I’m thankful to be alive.” Even Justin didn’t know how true that was, or how close Clay had come to ending it when a lifetime in jail seemed unavoidable.

“Uh, Amen!” Justin chimed in, with an awkward laugh. Clay let out the breath he’d been holding; Justin always seemed to know when Clay needed the attention shifted away from him.

People said Clay had saved Justin, but to Clay, it often felt like Justin was saving him. Without Justin’s carefree attitude and ability to shock Clay out of a funk, Clay would be lost, swallowed by his past. Even when they’d been lying to each other, he’d known Justin was still there for him. Would always be there for him.

Dishes were passed around and plates heaped high with sides, and the feast began in earnest. After Justin took a fourth tamale, everyone started making fun of how much he’d eaten.

Clay glanced over at his friend happily stuffing his mouth, and realized there was one thing he was thankful for above all else: Justin. Whatever came next, he knew Justin would be there.

\-------------

Leaning back, Justin felt like he might explode. He’d learned to gorge himself when food was plentiful, since it had been scarce too often to count, but the Jensen Thanksgiving was next level.

Justin had been excited to introduce Tyler to the crowd at Monet’s, and to finally see the rest of his photos. But now that his job was done and he was reclining, surrounded by his two best friends with a full belly, the fatigue was starting to kick in.

“I luv u guyzz,” he couldn’t help but jokingly break the silence, although he really meant it.

Clay mocked him and Jess said, with an exasperated laugh, “way to ruin the moment.”

Justin looked back and forth between the two people he loved most in the world, in so many ways. Despite their grumpy response, he could tell they both meant their grumbles with fondness. He laughed with the joy he felt from being with them at Monet’s, with his secrets out and no life or death disaster waiting around the corner. “I’m embracing the moment,” he said.

After a lifetime of uncertainty and fear, for the first time, it seemed possible that he could have many more moments like this. And he couldn’t be more thankful.

\-------------

It was a few days after Thanksgiving and Clay wasn’t sure how to feel, about today or about anything. Before he’d gone to bed last night, his parents had asked both Clay and Justin to come over to the main house for a family meeting. Clay could guess the topic, but didn’t know exactly what they had planned.

Clay was worried. What would happen to Justin? It wasn’t just the drugs. He’d heard about the assembly, about Justin being a survivor.

Clay had been in survival mode himself the past few weeks, and he hadn’t been able to come up with a plan. He’d read the articles about the opioid epidemic, and he’d seen firsthand how difficult detox had been for Justin last year. He was letting his friend down by doing nothing, and it devastated him.

Clay’s concern for Justin was at the front of his thoughts, but selfishly, he couldn’t help but worry about himself too. How would he handle it if Justin had to leave? Some nights, waking up in a pool of sweat, the only thing that saved him was looking over at Justin sleeping peacefully across the room. Clay wasn’t sure he’d survive the loss of another friend.

“Clay!” Justin’s voice broke through. Clay focused on his friend. “Clay, it’ll be all right. Whatever you’re spiraling about, we’ve survived worse. Plus, I’m the one who’ll be puking his guts all over the place,” he said with a wry grin.

Clay barked a laugh, “hah, like I haven’t had to clean up your vomit before.” He shook off his funk. “Anyways, today isn’t about me. Let’s go see what the master planner has in store.”

Justin nodded and set his shoulders. “I don’t know what came over me on Thanksgiving, coming clean like that,” he said. “But I’m glad. I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep lying, and hiding, and sneaking around.” Justin stared down at his feet, and continued quietly, “I need help.”

He looked up at Clay, eyes glistening. “And I don’t want you lying for me anymore. Sometimes it feels like the lies are all we have left. If your parents ask, you can tell them the truth about anything. Anything about me, I mean.” Justin’s voice wavered. “Either they’ll kick me out today or they won’t, but I’m done with the lies.”

Clay jumped up from the bed, took a step toward Justin, then stopped abruptly, awkwardly. “Justin, they won’t kick you out. I won’t let them. And if they do, I’m coming with you. I meant what I said.” Clay’s gaze was piercing, wholly focused on Justin. “I’d do anything for you.”

Justin sniffled and closed the gap, grabbing Clay in a crushing hug. “I know.” Clay felt like he could stay in Justin’s arms forever, that for once, he wasn’t alone.

“Boys!” His dad yelled from outside, knocking on the door. “Mom’s waiting, come on.”

They separated, reluctantly. "Coming!” Clay yelled. “It will be fine," he continued more quietly, reassuring both himself and Justin. "Let’s go.” 

By the time they were in the main house, seated around the kitchen table with his parents, Clay could see that Justin had gotten himself under control.

“Justin,” said Clay’s mom, “we thought you might be more comfortable having Clay here, but there’s no problem if you’d like to talk about this alone?”

Justin shook his head vigorously, no.

“Ok,” she continued, “I talked to a friend who’s a counselor, and got some recommendations from her. These rehab places are all pretty different, but I don’t think there’s a right way to go about this. As long as you’re committed, I think any of them can work.”

Clay’s mom read through the options for Justin’s recovery, talking about inpatient and outpatient, methadone and suboxone and NA meetings, and Clay realized this might be their hardest fight yet. But for once, the responsibility wasn’t only on his shoulders. Someone else could take the lead on this. His parents could actually help, like when he’d been a kid and his problems weren't so insurmountable.

Clay couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this way. Since Hannah, everything had been his responsibility. Fighting for justice during her trial, saving Tyler, keeping his friends out of prison. The weight of it all was crushing. Now, finally, he had someone else to help carry the load.

Clay’s relief was palpable. Combined with his concern for Justin, it was too much to bear. A tear slid down Clay’s cheek, then another, and another, a silent stream.

Justin noticed first, his stoic mask melting into a look of concern. “Clay,” Justin said, reaching over to grab Clay’s hand under the table. “Clay, what’s wrong?”

Clay just shook his head, unable to put all he felt into words. Clay’s dad glanced at his mom, his forehead creased in worry. “Why don’t I take Clay to the living room, and you and Justin keep talking here?”

Clay gripped Justin’s hand tighter. “No,” he said fervently. “I’m not leaving. I’m just worried, but I’m fine.” He shook his head, trying to clear the tears. “Let’s just move on.”

Clay’s mom, always wanting to focus on the problem at hand, the one she could fix, just nodded, “OK.” She picked up another of the pamphlets and prepared to continue.

“Wait,” Clay’s dad said. He looked back and forth between Clay and Justin. “Today is for Justin, and I’m not sure if I’ve said this, but I’m so proud of you Justin.”

Clay felt Justin’s hand shifting as his friend squirmed in discomfort, still uncomfortable with overt displays of parental affection.

His dad looked back over at him and continued. “But Clay, we’re worried about you too. Everything that happened, everything we’ve learned, we need to talk about it.” Matt paused and glanced over at Lainie, who gave him a nod to continue. “Things can’t continue like they have. We love you, but it’s unacceptable.”

Clay nodded, whether in agreement or deflection, even he wasn’t sure. “I know,” Clay said.

After an awkward silence, he glanced over at Justin, who broke the tension in the only way he knew how. Justin joked with a half smile. “Shouldn’t I be the one crying today, Jensen?”

The moment resolved, Clay’s mom picked up where she’d left off. They finished discussing the treatment options, settling on a 30 day inpatient program to get Justin away from his triggers and give him the space to focus on recovery. With a tentative smile and glistening eyes, Justin jumped up to hug Clay’s parents. “Thank you Mr. and Ms. Jensen,” he said. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask for help earlier.”

It wasn’t until Clay and Justin were back in the outhouse, Justin napping and Clay cracking open a textbook he hadn’t looked at in 3 weeks, that it hit Clay. Justin hadn’t let go of his hand the whole time they’d been sitting there.


	2. Don’t Wall Yourself Off

Two days after they’d decided to send him to rehab, Justin was freaking out. Talking about treatment was one thing, but now that he’d had time to think, it was starting to seem like a big mistake.

Justin couldn’t think about how fucking hard it would be to stop using again, it was too overwhelming. So he focused on Clay. He wasn’t sure if he should leave Clay alone for that long, not so soon after everything that had happened. And he wasn’t sure that he could be away from Clay that long either.

Ever since he’d come back from the streets, Justin hadn’t been apart from Clay for more than a day or two without one of them checking in. When Clay had gone missing before the assembly, Justin had been overcome with fear.

He’d never felt like this with a girlfriend before, either. With Jess, he mostly felt guilt, and shame, and like he’d do anything to make it right. But he’d never felt like something was missing when they were apart. With Clay, it had felt like a huge loss, like all consuming worry.

Justin wasn’t ready to consider what that might mean. But it had allowed him to come to a realization about Jess. In spite of his love for her, and fuck, he loved her more than ever after seeing her strength the last few weeks, he didn’t think he had the energy to keep dating her while he was in rehab. They’d been through so much together, and it had made their relationship stronger, but she was still one of his major triggers.

He was starting treatment Thursday, and wanted to give her as much time as possible before he left. He’d thought about texting, but it was too impersonal for everything he had to say.

So here he was, waiting at Monet’s for Jess, having gotten there early to secure a private table away from nosy people. Justin checked his phone and saw it was right after he’d asked her to meet him. Jess was usually a few minutes late, but she’d have texted if she was gonna be really late.

After a few more minutes, he heard “hey, Justin” and looked up to see Jess walking towards him. He waved at her, a timid smile on his face.

Jess worked her way over to the back table he was sitting at.

“Yo,” Justin said, “I missed you all weekend.” It’s not like they hadn’t messaged, but he hadn’t seen her since the photo reveal. “I got you a chai latte.”

Jess smiled. “Thanks.” Her smile faltered a little. “Should I be worried? Did something happen?”

Justin placed his hand on top of hers. “Sorry, no, nothing happened. We’re all fine. It’s just...” He paused. He had so much to explain, but it really boiled down to one thing; he was breaking up with her. “Man, this is awkward. Well, you know I told the Jensens I was using again? On thanksgiving?”

“Yeah, of course,” she said. “What did they do?”

“I was worried, y’know, about how they’d react. They were great, no judgment at all. They just want to help. I think maybe they don’t have the energy to be upset about the lies, after everything that happened.”

Jess’ eyes closed tightly for a second, like she could block out the memory of what she and Alex had done.

“Sorry,” Justin continued, “I didn’t mean to bring it up.”

Jess smiled at him, sadly. “You’re fine. I still can’t believe Ani’s story worked. I can’t stop thinking about Winston though, what he told Ani. He’s right, about Monty, but there’s nothing we can do.” She glanced away, lost and vulnerable. “But it’s fine. We’ll handle it, we always do. Anyways, so what happened ? What are they gonna do?”

Justin squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry,” he said. It felt like he said that a lot these days. “Fuck, this is the worst possible time for me to be leaving, between you and Clay. And Alex. And Zach. Shit.” It hit him just how fucked up everyone was, how for once, he should be the least damaged, he should be the strong one. Except for the fucking heroin. Except for his weakness.

He started crying. Shit. It seemed like anything could set him off now, as if after Thanksgiving, he’d opened the flood gates. He just had to get it out. “Jess. I’m leaving on Thursday. Rehab. I’m doing a 30 day rehab program, can’t even talk to anyone outside the program for the first two weeks.” It all came out in a tumble.

“That’s great, Justin.” Jess sounded sincere. “I’m really glad. I’m glad Clay’s parents are helping. It’s crazy what we did, expecting you to do it on your own, just because we all had secrets to keep.”

Justin sniffled, trying to hold back his tears. “Thanks. But I wanted to do it that way too. I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone. But it’s so hard.” The tears came out anyway.

“There’s more,” he said, “that’s not all. Jess, I love you. I love you so fucking much. But I don’t think I’m in a place to be your boyfriend right now. I want to be here for you so bad, but sometimes I feel like the cause of everything that’s happened to you, now more than ever. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. It’s fucking mine, Jess.” She’d understand he was talking about Bryce.

Jess shook her head. “I knew you felt like this, Justin. But it’s not true. It’s Bryce’s fault. He led us down a path, and maybe you and me, Alex, and Zach, even Hannah and Clay, maybe we’re a little responsible too, but none of us are to blame.” She’d started sitting up straighter as she talked, some of her passion showing through. “Only Bryce is to blame. Fucking rapist.” She’d started using the word more, like she was exorcising its power over her.

Jess reached over with her other hand, sandwiching Justin’s hand between hers. “Justin, I’ll always love you. But I understand. I don’t know what you’re going through, but I understand pain, and needing to focus on yourself. And I don’t want to be a trigger. I’ll miss you everyday, but I think this might be good for me too. I need time to come to terms with my own shit. Who I am these days. What I’ve done.”

Justin let out a sob of relief. Jess meant so much to him, but she was also the source of so many of his negative feelings. Not that it wasn’t his own fault, completely. But he couldn’t get sober and feel like the shittiest boyfriend on the planet. He knew from experience it wouldn’t work.

\-------------

Clay walked into the Outhouse and instantly noticed Justin’s mood had improved. Justin was doing homework, for one, instead of moping. And he was singing along to Old Town Road, instead of the sad emo music he’d been listening to last summer.

Clay had stayed late at school to catch up on all the work he’d missed the last few weeks, or flat-out ignored if he was being honest. He probably should have worked on it during thanksgiving break, but it just hadn’t seemed like a priority. Family, friends, that was all that mattered. Now that he’d had a full day of classes, though, he was starting to regret that decision.

Luckily, seeing Justin happy was enough to shake him out of this funk. “Justin, not that I’m mad about it, but what’s up? Why are you smiling?” Clay pulled out the chair as he talked, hopping up to sit and grabbing a textbook of his own.

Justin looked at Clay and smiled, the boyish grin that broke girls’ (and guys’) hearts, one that Clay hadn’t seen in a while now. “I talked to Jess,” Justin said, “we’re on a break, I guess? Or broken up? I’m not really sure, but I thinks it’s gonna be good. During rehab, I mean. I love her so much? But sometimes I see her and all I see are the mistakes.”

Justin looked down, as he often did when he was too shy to share something. “I just, I just feel like maybe this will work, like maybe I can make this work? And I haven’t felt like that in a long time. Maybe ever.” He gave a little laugh. “I guess you’d call it hope, if you were Dr. Singh.”

Clay’s heart ached for his friend. “I’m happy for you, Justin. You deserve it more than any of us, I think. I’m really proud of you, more than you know. And I owe you an apology. It wasn’t fair of us, of me, to expect you to stay clean without help. Alone.” Clay took a deep breath.

“I thought after the detox, we’d done enough. And then everything happened with Tyler and that seemed so much more urgent. But what you’re doing is really hard. Some people don’t have the courage, or the support, to quit. But you are one of the strongest people I know, and now that you are getting the right support for this disease, I know you’ll come out ahead. No matter what happens, no matter how long it takes, I won’t give up on you. Ever.” He meant every word. He hoped Justin could tell.

“I’m gonna try my best,” Justin responded, looking away. “Asking for help, accepting it, is hard for me. I think I’m starting to trust, though? I mean, trust your parents, that they won’t drop me when I become too difficult.”

Justin looked back over at Clay. “I know you will always be there for me. And I wish I was stronger, so I could be there for you. For the first time, I think you might need me more than I need you, but I’m too fucked up. I’m leaving you at the worst time, Clay. For fucks sake, you were arrested for murder. How are you even OK?”

Clay wasn’t sure what to say. He’d come to realize just how important Justin was to him, to feeling grounded. But he wasn’t sure how much he could, or should, tell him right now. “Justin. Man, don’t even think about that. I have a lifetime to stress about these issues, and you’ll only be gone for a month. You’re right, I’ll miss you so much, every day. Having you at my back this past month meant so much.”

Clay paused. Had he said too much? What if Justin wasn’t ready to hear just how much he cared about him?

But Justin didn’t look freaked out, or annoyed or anything. In fact, he was nodding his head with everything Clay said.

“Look, Justin, the most important thing you can do for me right now is work on getting sober. Not for me, you have to do it for yourself, obviously. But your health, seeing you happy, it’s really important to me.” Clay looked down, mirroring Justin’s earlier shyness. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”

Justin got up and grabbed Clay in a bear hug. It was awkward, because Clay was still seated at the high chair, but it was also perfect, like they were made to fit together. Clay squeezed him back, and it felt like the hug might never end, like this was right where they both needed to be.

After a while, Clay realized Justin was shaking slightly, with silent tears. Clay started rubbing his back in the comforting motion his dad had used on him as a kid.

Eventually, Justin pulled away. “Sorry, man. I don’t know what’s up with me. I’ve been trying to reduce the oxy before I go, to make detox easier. I guess it’s got me all worked up.”

“Shit, Justin, is that even safe? Everything I saw online said this was the most dangerous to quit on your own.” Clay paused. “Not like that stopped us before.”

Justin shrugged. “I think it’s ok, I don’t feel so sick, and I’m leaving in a few days. It’s just a little decrease.” Justin walked over and jumped on his bed. “With everything we’ve survived, there’s no way this will be the thing that kills me.” He grabbed one of the balls lying around his bed and started bouncing it off the wall.

Clay was still exhausted, screw chemistry, so he walked over and fell into bed too. He listened to the thwack of the ball for a while, brain turning. Eventually he looked over at Justin. “It’s gonna be lonely in here. When you leave.”

Justin flopped over onto his side, facing Clay. “I know, man. You’ve got Ani though, and Tyler. And everyone else.”

Clay sat up. He hadn't had a chance to talk about Ani with Justin yet, not with everything. “I don’t know, it’s weird with Ani. I mean, she saved my life. She came up with the whole story. But now I know about her and Bryce. And I never know where we stand? She kissed me again, you know. But I think that was when she thought she was losing me.”

Clay hung his face in his hands. Why did relationships have to be so difficult all the time. He was always confused, or lost. He looked up at Justin. He always knew where he stood with him.

Justin just waited for him to continue.

“I don’t even know what I want anymore. For so long, I thought I wanted to date Hannah, then Skye, now Ani. But I think maybe that was an image of myself I felt I had to fulfill. Sitting in jail, I had a lot of time to think.” Clay laughed. “I guess you know what that’s like. And you know how I can think.”

Justin laughed too. “Yeah you can. So what, you had a come to Jesus moment? You gonna be the one to run away on me now?” Justin seemed to realize maybe now wasn’t the time for a joke like that. “Sorry, too soon. You’ve just been a little quiet lately, and I’m not sure what’s going on. Then Saturday, with the tears. Are you sure you’re ok man?”

Clay grabbed a pillow and hugged it tight. How could he explain it, when he didn’t fully understand it himself?

“I think I’m tired of feeling like if I did things the right way, that I’d have the girlfriend. That Hannah wouldn’t be dead, or that what happened to Tyler wouldn’t have happened.”

Clay put the pillow down, feeling more sure of himself. “Saturday wasn’t even about me, though. Don’t take this the wrong way, but they were tears of relief. It’s been so long since I felt like I wasn’t the ultimate authority for our problems. And now my parents know the truth, and they want to help you, and it’s not just me fucking guessing, stabbing blindly in the dark for the right thing to do.” Clay’s eyes welled up. He’d felt lost, and scared, for so long.

Justin sat up, like he was ready to jump into action. “When I get back, Clay, I’m gonna start helping. I know that I won’t always have the right answers like you do. But I will do everything I can to share the burden. I won’t be your problem anymore.”

Justin paused, like he was looking for the right words. “But while I’m gone, maybe you should talk to someone? You can’t tell your parents about everything, obviously, but they could listen to some of it. They clearly want to help us. Or Tyler might be a good ear for you. Don’t wall yourself off, ok?”

Clay nodded his agreement, and leaned his head back, eyes closed. Tyler was becoming a good friend, but he wasn’t sure if he should be burdening him with new problems. Maybe he could talk to his parents more. His mom might have thought he could be a murderer, which still hurt, but at least she’d been ready to defend him to her last breath.

After Clay didn’t respond for a while, Justin got up, walked over to the speaker system and put on one of Clay’s favorite podcasts. “Let’s just listen to this for a while, then I’ll go make us dinner, ok?” Justin said.

“Ok,” Clay whispered. And he was, at least while Justin was there.


	3. Complicated Can Be Dangerous

You got this, Clay had said to Justin in the car, and now Justin was repeating it like a mantra. I got this. I got this.

“Here is your room,” said his Patient Services Guide. She seemed nice. “It’s a double, but not that many people check in between the holidays, so you have it to yourself for now.”

“Ok,” replied Justin. My own room, sweet, I got this, he thought.

She continued. “We’ll give you 30 minutes to get settled, and then I’ll come back and get you for your first appointment with Dr. Adams. Following that is lunch at 12:30 and your first group starts at 1:30.” She held out her hand. “Will you give me your bag, Justin? We need to make sure you didn’t bring anything in with you. Your parents said you’d handed over everything you had before coming here, but we can’t risk it.”

Justin handed over his Liberty gym bag. “It’s fine. I have nothing to hide. They’re not my parents, though. Well, kinda. It’s complicated.”

His guide just smiled at him and then unzipped his bag and started searching. She’d flipped from nice to scarily efficient. There really was nothing for her to find, but it still freaked him out.

Maybe I don’t got this, he thought. But Clay needed him. Jess and Alex needed him. Shit, Zach needed him. Everyone was going through shit they couldn’t handle alone, and he just had to kick the addiction so he could help. No big, he told himself. I fucking got this.

\-------------

It was Saturday, a few days after they’d dropped Justin off, and the situation was really starting to sink in for Clay. He was alone. He’d had an awkward coffee with Ani earlier in the day, but it was like they both didn’t know what they wanted, and now that they didn’t have a common goal to fight for, they couldn’t ignore it any more. Tyler and Alex had texted him about hanging out tonight, but Clay had used his exhaustion as an excuse to stay home. He was now lying in bed, working on his new Star Wars fic.

Clay had chatted with his parents when he went over to get dinner and bring it back to the Outhouse, but he’d figured that was it for the night, so he was surprised when he heard a knock on the door.

“Hey, Clay,” his dad said, “is it cool if I come in?”

Clay closed his laptop and set it aside. “Sure,” he yelled.

His dad walked in, looking a little like he was entering enemy territory. Danger, Will Robinson, Clay thought. Parental intervention incoming.

“What brings you to our humble abode,” Clay said, faltering when he realized it wasn’t ‘our’ anything right now. “I mean, my humble abode. Duh.”

His dad sat at one of the tall chairs. “I just wanted to talk. I feel like we haven’t talked that much since middle school, actually. You used to tell me all your problems and we’d solve them together.” His dad folded his hands in his lap.

“I think I made a mistake letting us stop. And now it’s awkward, I get it. You’re 18, you’ve fought for so much on your own. But even if I don’t know everything, I like to think I could still listen, and maybe help in some cases. What do you think, Clay?”

Clay was shocked. His dad had checked out years ago, and yeah, he’d gotten more involved the past year, but this was still unexpected. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so surprised, though, after what happened. “This is ‘cause of last week, isn’t it? Dad, I’m fine.” He almost meant it.

His dad smiled, a sad smile. “I know you are, Clay. You’re stronger than I would be in your situation, than I could have imagined. But no, this isn’t just about that. I want to have a relationship with my son, before it’s too late to try.”

Clay just nodded, unsure what to say.

His dad seemed to sense his uncertainty. “Look, I’ll start. Since your mom started at the new firm last year, and now we’ve been working together on the adoption with Justin, I think we’re doing really well.”

Clay remembered that they’d been fighting less. But he’d been so focused on Tyler, and then himself, that he hadn’t thought about it too much.

His dad continued. “Maybe it’s a little weird to hear about your parents, but I figured these days, it wouldn’t be the weirdest thing we’d ever talked about.”

Clay laughed. What the hell, he thought. I’m a whole new person from the Clay of two months ago, let alone two years ago. Maybe this can work.

Clay searched for a topic that wouldn’t reveal too much. Gratitude was always good, and his parents already knew everything about Justin. That would be a good place to start.

“I guess,” Clay paused, collecting his thoughts. “I guess I’m worried about Justin? But I’m also relieved this is happening. And that I’m not the one in charge. I don’t know if I’ve thanked you and mom, really, for helping him. I mean I know I’ve said thanks. But, dad, I really mean it. Everything that’s happened, I couldn’t have survived it without Justin. By helping him, you’re saving me.”

Clay’s dad nodded, a half smile on his face. He looked open and friendly like he was ready to listen to Clay talk for hours, instead of waiting to run off and work on his next book like Clay had come to expect.

Clay just kept talking. “It’s not just that he helped me deal with certain things. You know. But when everything is too dark, he makes it a little brighter. It’s his gift, somehow he stays strong through everything that he’s had to live through.” Clay stopped, wondering if he’d said too much. The words had just flown out, but he was worried that he’d revealed something he shouldn’t.

His dad took it in stride. “I think you’re right. Actually, I think we’re lucky to have him, in the family. He’s a good kid, and he’s good for you. Brings you out of your shell.” He paused, like he was trying to find the right way to say the next thing.

“Look, Clay, when he gets back, he might not be that Justin for a little while. It’ll be on us to make the world brighter for him. And we’ll need to be strong ourselves, to be there for him.”

Clay realized this was why his dad had come, his real end goal.

“So, how are you doing, kid? Your mom and I were surprised to see you cry like that last weekend. It’s healthy, don’t get me wrong. I’m proud that you’re comfortable sharing your emotions, but, that kinda came out of nowhere. What’s going on?” His dad stopped, then, giving Clay time to speak.

Clay looked around the room, trying to find the right words. He couldn’t figure it out what his dad wanted to hear.

If Justin’s superpower was joy in the face of adversity, Clay’s was keeping adults happy, telling them what they wanted to hear. But during interrogation, he’d lost the ability. It had seemed like anything he said would cause damage to someone.

And now, he couldn’t begin to guess what would make his dad happy. Did he want the truth? Or did he just want an excuse, one good enough that he could satisfy his parental duties and move on?

Luckily, his dad was never one to stay quiet when he could speak. “Look, kid,” he said. “At this point, I don’t think there’s anything you can say that would be a problem for me. I truly thought you didn’t have anything to do with Bryce’s death, but I’d have had your back if you did. And look how we handled Justin. You can’t find something much more addictive than heroin, but we’re not giving up on him. Whatever you’re worried about, if you’re comfortable saying it, well, I think I can be here for you.”

His dad got up and went to sit on the edge of Clay’s bed. “I won’t even tell your mother, or do anything with the information if you don’t want me to. I’ll never bring it up again. But I think it might be good for you to start letting it out, whatever’s going on with you. Especially now, with Justin gone.”

Clay knew he could be courageous, he’d proven it to himself over the last year. But speaking the truth to an adult, his truth, it felt scary beyond measure. His dad was right, though. There was no way he would survive the next month if he didn’t find someone to talk to.

Clay sat up straighter. “I don’t even know where to start, dad. I promise there isn’t anything bad going on right now, no new deaths.” Probably not the best joke, Clay thought.

He powered through. “I guess I’m just kinda lost. And I’m so confused, about what’s going on with a lot of my friends. Justin is usually easy to understand, when he’s not protecting himself. But I have no idea how to help him.”

This felt right. Clay needed to get these things off his chest, and honestly his dad was a pretty good listener. Surprisingly so for someone that hadn’t been very plugged into Clay’s life until the last year. Now that he’d started, Clay wanted to share more.

“And I have no idea where I stand with Ani. Let’s just say that she was integral in getting me cleared. But you know she lived with Bryce, right?”

Clay’s dad nodded.

“Well, she had a fucking relationship with him! And she lied to me. And I had a crush on her. I thought she was just taking it slow, but the whole time, she was with Bryce. Now I think she wants to get back together. Honestly, even setting aside the Bryce thing, I’m not sure that I do. We have so much in common. But I’m not sure that’s enough. I think we might be better as friends.”

Clay’s dad grinned. “Now girl problems! That I can help with, easy. You know, your mom and I were friends before I started courting her.”

Clay laughed. Only his dad would use the word courting.

His dad slapped Clay’s leg. “Don’t laugh at me! Back then you had to court a girl.” He got serious again. “I think the answer to this one is pretty easy, though. Do you think about her when you go to bed?” He stopped, realizing the implication.

“Not like that, I mean, do you wonder what she’s doing, or where she is. Or when you wake up, are you excited that you get to see her that day?”

Clay’s mind raced, trying to think back to before the trial, before he’d been so caught up in his own head. Had he ever thought of Ani like that? Not really.

Clay glanced over at Justin’s bed, and it hit him. He quickly looked away before his dad could catch on. Shit, Clay cursed under his breath. He did think about someone like that, but it wasn’t Ani. It was Justin.

What the hell? He’d agonized over this when the gay rumors started, sure, but he’d decided he was attracted to women. Sure, maybe he’d check out the guy in porn too, but that was normal, right?

And Justin? Of all the people it had to be Justin? Between his past with Hannah, and Jess, and now rehab, could it get more complicated?

Clay realized he’d been silent for too long, and his dad was staring at him with concern. But after his dad’s declaration, and the ease of their conversation, he decided he’d rather tell a version of the truth than outright lie. “I’m sorry, dad. I guess you gave me a lot to think about. I’m not sure what I feel. But when I’m ready to share, I’ll come find you. I won’t hide anymore.”

Clay’s dad looked at him, understanding deep in his eyes. “I get it,” he said. He grabbed Clay’s leg through the covers and squeezed it. “I love you, Clay. And I’m really glad we talked. I’ll be here whenever you need me.” He stood up.

“Well, I’ll leave you with your thoughts. Good luck, kid. Even setting aside everything that’s happened around here, being a teenager is hard.”

“I love you, dad.” Clay had said that to his parents every night growing up, and he wasn’t sure when it stopped. But it was true.

“I love you too, Clay. Now get some sleep.”

\-------------

Lying in bed for his daily post-lunch nap gave Justin a lot of time to think. Detoxing the first time had sucked. Detoxing this time was like detox for dummies. He’d felt some light symptoms, but he hadn’t even thrown up once.

“The Suboxone will help alleviate your symptoms and control cravings,” Dr. Adams had explained that first day. “It can be addictive, so we’ll eventually start to taper you off it, but for the first few months it’s the key to successful recovery. While you’re staying with us, we’ll teach you tools you can use to stay clean, which when used in concert with the Suboxone will greatly increase your chances of getting sober. You should know that most NA programs won’t accept you while you’re on it, so we strongly suggest you keep coming here for outpatient counseling.”

It had sounded good to Justin, and so far it was working. He hadn’t really had any cravings.

Justin had been at The Center, as everyone called it, for two weeks. That meant he could have visitors now, and he was really excited to see Clay’s parents this weekend. Lainie had assured him they would come visit at the first opportunity, and he didn’t have any reason not to believe her. But they’d taken his cellphone, so there was no way to confirm.

Justin was hoping Clay would come, too, but they hadn’t talked about it. Maybe he would be busy with school, or have plans. Justin stopped that line of thought as soon as he realized where it was headed. It was self-defeating talk, which he was learning to recognize and, sometimes, change. Of course Clay would come, there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for his friends.

Justin had a flashback to that night in the Outhouse. “Anything,” Justin remembered Clay saying. No one had ever looked at Justin like Clay had that night. It made him feel warm, secure. He’d never really had anything that was certain in his life, but Clay was solid. Justin missed him. Really fucking missed him.

A loud knock at the door startled him, although it shouldn’t have. After this long, he knew the routine inside and out.

“Justin, it’s time for group. Please meet in room 3 in 10 minutes.”

“Ok!” Justin yelled. He rested a few more minutes, then walked over to room 3. It was intake Thursday, so there’d be some new faces today. Justin sat and watched the people filing in, nodding at those he knew and smiling at those he didn’t. He tried to be friendly, everyone here was going through the same shit as him.

The doctor today was new. “I’m Dr. Garcia,” she said. “They asked me in today to talk about relationships. Healthy relationships are the key to your recovery. But relationships can also be a cause for relapse. We’ll talk about how to manage romantic relationships, friendships, and family patterns. But first, let’s go around and introduce ourselves.” She pointed at the person to her right, and they went around the room saying their names.

Justin wasn’t shy, but he hated this part. When he said his name, everyone stared at him like they couldn’t believe someone who looked so young could have done what he’d done. He was no fucking innocent. But he didn’t like the pitying looks.

Dr. Garcia was pretty smart, though. He liked what she said about family, and how to handle codependency and enabling. Justin guessed he was lucky that his relationship with Clay’s parents was new enough that he hadn’t developed too many harmful patterns, and they were just looking out for him.

Her next statement hit Justin hard. “Now, most programs recommended no romantic relationships for a year after getting clean, and I tend to agree.”

Justin had to raise his hand. “What if you’re already in a relationship?”

Dr. Garcia smiled at him. “Then hopefully your partner comes with you to some sessions, and is committed to your sobriety. I’m not telling people to break up. The concern is that the beginning stages of a new relationship can bring a lot of turmoil and self doubt, which is a big trigger for some people. Do you have a partner?”

Justin shook his head, no, then figured she’d want a little more information. “No, my girlfriend and I broke up before coming here. I was actually thinking about a friend. Or I guess you’d call hi- them,” Justin stumbled over the word him, then recovered. “I guess you’d call them a best friend. And sometimes a little more than that. So we’re already close, but what if I want it to become something more?” Justin was blushing and mumbling by the end.

Dr. Garcia smiled at him, nodding in understanding. “Well, that is complicated,” she said. “And complicated can be dangerous. But it sounds like an important relationship for you. There is no guaranteed way to get clean, but we can focus on breaking unhealthy patterns and avoiding triggers. I’ll discuss with Dr. Adams, maybe you and he can talk a little bit more about what you mean, and when and how to approach it. Ok?”

Justin nodded his head. “OK.” He wasn’t sure just what he wanted yet, but he wasn’t ready to rule anything out. He was learning he had to be honest with himself or he’d never stay clean. Even if he wanted something new, and scary.

Maybe it didn’t matter what he decided. Justin had no reason to think Clay felt anything similar. But either way? He couldn’t wait to see Clay this weekend, now more than ever.


	4. Reunited And It Feels So Good

“I’m looking forward to seeing Justin,” Clay’s mom said. “I’ve been wondering how it’s going. Supposedly the drug they have him on is really helpful. It’s been clinically proven to keep people clean longer.” Of course she’d done her research.

Clay’s dad chimed in. “Me too. I’ve gotten used to having him in our lives. I missed him these last two weeks.”

Clay more than missed Justin, but he didn’t need to tell his parents that.

All their friends had signed a card for Justin, and Clay had agonized over what to write when they’d passed the card to him. Would Justin want something heartfelt and sweet, or funny and keeping it light? Finally, Clay had settled on writing what he would have wanted to see: _Justin, it’s not the same without you. But I’m glad you’re there. - Clay_

Clay twirled the card around, unable to control his pent up energy. His mom had assured him that Justin wouldn’t look too bad, that the Suboxone would make detox a lot easier this time. But last year, Justin had just looked so sick, and weak, when he’d finished kicking the drugs. Clay was scared to see him in that state now.

Last time, he’d been starting to care about Justin, but mostly he’d detoxed him to help Hannah’s case. This time, he loved Justin, and it would break his heart to see him in that condition again.

They pulled into the lot at the Center and found an empty spot. A few other families were pulling up, some with grim looks on their faces.

Clay’s mom turned to look at Clay. “First we’ll get some free time to catch up with Justin, then there’s a family group session. Finally your dad and I will meet with his doctor. I think you can wait with Justin while we do. Everyone ready?”

Clay nodded and his dad said “ready!” with manufactured cheeriness. They followed another family into the center, and from there were directed to the common hall.

Justin jumped up when he saw them, waving from a table in the back.

“Hey!” Justin yelled with excitement. He hugged Clay’s mom first, then his dad. Clay hung back, unsure how to act normal. Justin, with an ease that Clay envied, walked up to Clay and grabbed him in a big bear hug, then let go. “Hi,” Justin said, grinning. “I’m glad you came.”

Clay just smiled back at him.

“Let’s sit!” Justin said. “I got us the table with the best views out the window. I like it in here, don’t get me wrong, but it’s nice to see the world outside.” He looked around at Clay’s parents. “Thank you for coming. It means a lot.”

“You’re part of the family now, Justin.” Clay’s mom said. “Of course we came to see you. We were all talking about how we missed you in the car on the way here.”

Clay looked down, embarrassed and unsure of how much of his feelings he should share.

Clay’s dad to the rescue. “So how’s it been here? You don’t have to tell us about anything you don’t want to, but you seem to be in good spirits and Lainie and I would love to hear about it.”

Justin looked at the people around them before speaking. “Some of the people here are really screwed up. I am too, obviously, but they’ve just had more time in which to make mistakes. Sometimes I feel like they judge me for being so young.”

“Hah,” Clay said, “like youth has anything to do with how fucked up you can be.”

“I know, right?” said Justin. “But aside from them, everyone is great. The doctors are usually nice, but they don’t take any shit, which is good. I like group, at least for the second half of the week after you get to know everybody and before new people come.”

Justin seemed genuinely ok, maybe even happy. Clay had expected the worst, but honestly Justin looked healthier than when he’d started two weeks ago, let alone compared to when Clay had detoxed him last year.

“Oh,” Justin said, “and they have art therapy. It’s everything. They have all the markers I wanted as a kid but that my mom couldn’t afford. I go crazy with the colors sometimes. I think it might worry the teacher. But I just can’t help myself, there’s so many colors and I want to use them all.”

“Well, Justin,” his mom said. “I know you’ll probably think this is dumb, but if you have a favorite, we could put one up.”

“C’mon mom, he’s not 7,” Clay said, wanting to defend Justin from being infantilized.

But Justin quickly chimed in. “No, I think I’d like that.”

Clay remembered the card. “We, uh, we got you a card,” he said lamely, grabbing it out of the back of his shirt where he’d hidden it in the waist of his pants. “Everyone’s been asking about you, they all wanted me to tell you they said hi and wish you well. In their own way, of course. Tony even said he’d like to come visit if that’s all right with you.” Clay slid the card across the table. “You can read it later.”

Justin grabbed the card, looking surprised. “Thanks! Of course Tony can visit. So can you, anytime. All of you, I mean,” Justin said, looking around at the whole family. He focused back in on Clay. “So, what’d I miss at school.”

They talked for a little while longer about inane topics, the standard high school drama and pop quizzes. Justin seemed to soak it all in, and was especially interested in how Jess and Alex were doing, and if people were still being nicer to Tyler after the assembly.

It seemed like their time was up before it even started. Clay really enjoyed being reunited with Justin and didn’t want it to end. But maybe family group wouldn’t be so bad.

\-------------

Family group was nothing like regular group, Justin realized. No one led the circle, instead they’d handed out some sheets with activities on them. And they’d arbitrarily split everyone up. Their group spent most of the time watching a fight between one of the ruder guys at the Center and his wife.

Justin thought he understood what the purpose of it was, so that families could hear from multiple patients about their experience, and maybe see how other parents or spouses reacted to the whole situation. In this case, he just hoped the Jensens realized there were people a lot more fucked up than he was.

After group, it was time for Matt and Lainie to meet with Dr. Adams. Justin and Clay were waiting outside his office while Clay’s parents got the download.

Time to get the juicy details, Justin thought. “So Clay,” he said, “any update on the Ani situation? You figure out what you want yet?”

Clay shifted in his chair to look at Justin. “Yeah, we’ve had a few more conversations. Actually my dad gave pretty good advice, if you can believe it.”

“I can’t believe it, actually,” Justin joked.

“He told me he wants us to improve our relationship,” Clay said. “And it’s been kinda nice, talking to him while you’re away. Although I worry I might let something slip.” He paused.

“At this point I feel like I could tell them anything, like what more is there to lose? But I’m not the only one who loses if I say the wrong thing.”

“That’s how I feel about the therapist here,” Justin said. “It’s really freeing to share, but a part of me is always worried. Enough about that shit, though. What did your dad say?”

Clay was wearing his adorable-confused-Clay face, one of Justin’s favorite expressions.

“Well, first he said some weird stuff about my mom. But then I think he said something really smart? About how you might have feelings for someone, but what it really boils down to is who you think about when you’re falling asleep and when you wake up.” Clay stared off down the hallway. “And it isn’t Ani. I really like her, and I owe her so much, but our interactions are always so complicated. She’s amazing when she’s not being mysterious, or telling me what she thinks I want to hear, or straight up lying. But I can’t tell when she's being honest, not anymore.”

“Well yeah, that sounds like Ani,” Justin said. “But, is there?” He had to ask. “Is there someone you’re thinking of instead?”

Clay didn’t respond for a while, and Justin’s unease grew stronger. Fuck, he thought, I’m going to have to bring this up in group. This is the kind of feeling that triggers a relapse. Why did he care so much about Clay’s response?

Clay looked over at Justin with his I-have-no-emotions-robot face, which Justin knew really meant he had a fuckton of emotions he was covering up.

“There might be someone,” Clay said. “But I, I don’t know. It’s confusing.”

Justin laughed. What’s new. “You’re always confused, Clay. And usually the situation is a lot simpler than you make it. C’mon, who is it? I can help! I’m good at this kinda stuff, you know.”

“Maybe. When I figure it out, I’ll tell you,” Clay said. He looked around, searching for a new topic. “I saw Jessica yesterday, when she signed your card. She’s been hanging out with Tyler a lot. She said a few people have commissioned him for portraits after they saw the wall at Monet’s. How cool is that? It was nice of you to help him set that up.”

Justin shrugged. “It was all his idea. I just did a little coordination. So Jess and Tyler are really friends now, huh? She used to bitch about babysitting him so much.”

“Yeah, it’s weird to see, but it’s nice. Tyler might be the most well-adjusted of all of us right now.” Clay laughed. “How did that happen?”

Justin leaned in, lowering his voice. “Well, with everything that happened with Jess and Alex, and Zach, and don’t forget me and you. It kinda makes sense. Shit, Clay, we’re all fucked up. Why shouldn’t Tyler be the happy one?”

“And Tony’s family was fucking deported.” Clay didn’t curse that often, but Justin knew he’d been really upset Tony hadn’t told him. “It’s still weird with him. I mean, his whole family is gone. I want to be supportive, but I can’t think of a single way to help. And he doesn’t have much time for me these days.”

Clay was one of the least selfish people Justin knew, but he had his blind spots nonetheless. “I think he doesn’t have much time for anyone, Clay. Life’s a lot harder without a family.” Clay would never be able to understand just how hard, not really.

“And Tony made time for you, for us, all year. Whenever we needed help, he was there.” Justin reached over to grab Clay’s leg, softening the blow of his next statement. “Maybe think a little harder about how you could be helping him, and a little less about how he doesn’t make time for you?”

Clay’s leg tensed up under Justin’s hand, then relaxed. “Shit. You’re right. I’ll think about it.” Clay put his hand on top of Justin’s. “Thank you, Justin.”

The door to the office creaked open. Justin jerked his hand away and Clay sat up straight, blushing. Dr. Adams peeked his head out. “Justin, would you come in for a few minutes?”

Justin nodded and got up, then paused, eyes lingering on Clay. Clay looked so cute when he blushed. And Justin had been the one to make Clay react like that. So unable to stop himself, Justin gave into his inner troll impulses and winked at Clay, then headed in.

Justin saw Clay’s face get even redder before the door swung closed. Success.


	5. Denial Was Easier

“Thanks again for coming, Clay,” Tony said. “Doing this drive alone would have been exhausting.”

“Yeah, of course. I’ve always got your back man. Plus I like your sister. She’s funny.” Clay checked his phone. “Only four hours to go.”

Clay had put a lot of thought into his conversation with Justin, and realized he could do better for Tony. So when he’d heard Tony was driving out to see his sister a few days before Christmas, but that Caleb had to stay behind and watch both the gym and the auto shop, he’d offered to accompany him.

“It’s too bad this car doesn’t have a tape deck. Four more hours of listening to your music and I might not survive,” Tony said. Of course Tony didn’t have any music saved on his phone.

“You know all the music you have on tapes is available online? Heard of Apple music?” Clay picked up his phone to change the song. “Maybe you’ll like this.”

They argued about music for a bit, but it was like old times, all in good fun. When Clay took over driving, Tony fell asleep as soon as he took off.

Clay often felt like he’d do anything for his friends, but by the end of the ride, after watching Tony sleep through his bad singing and sudden stops, he was more convinced than ever. Tony was working himself to the bone, and Clay need to be there for him.

“Turn left. You have reached your destination,” Siri announced over bluetooth. Clay parked in front of a red house and looked over at Tony. He reached over to shake him awake, knowing he would want to see his sister more than he’d want to sleep. Tony was groggy at first, but smiled once he realized they’d made it.

They brought their stuff inside tailed by Tony’s sister, jumping with excitement. She was clearly awake past her bedtime, but overjoyed to see Tony.

Even though it wasn’t Christmas yet, Graciella begged to see her presents, so Clay and Tony obliged.

When Clay had asked his mom what he should get her, she’d gone out and bought way too many presents, saying she’d always wanted to shop for a girl. Clay was a little embarrassed at the number of gifts he’d brought, but he passed them off as being from all of Tony’s friends, her honorary brothers and sisters.

Tony didn’t seem to mind since it made his sister happy, and he’d gone a little overboard himself based on the size of the packages he’d brought.

The next day, Clay was happy to see Tony in his element, surrounded by family. It was the old carefree Tony, the one who gave himself fully to the task at hand and wasn’t being pulled in a million directions.

Like always, Clay felt a little jealous seeing their easy family camaraderie, but mostly Tony’s family was so welcoming that he just got to enjoy the moment. Half the family seemed intent on pretending like nothing had happened, while the other half wanted all the details about the deportation, or about Bryce and how this could have happened to a family as nice as the Padillas.

Clay was embarrassed to admit to one particularly inquisitive aunt that he hadn’t known what had happened to the family until much later. “I wasn’t there for Tony then,” he said, “but I’m doing my best to be there for him now.”

Eventually Tony came over and sat next to Clay, draping himself on the couch. “Damn, I’m tired. Those kids can run.” Tony looked over at Clay. “Seems like everyone came over to quiz you.”

Clay leaned over and rested his head on Tony’s shoulder. “You know I’d do anything for you, right Tony? I’d drive out here every weekend if that’s what you want. Or if you and your sister ever need a place to stay, I mean, I know you have Caleb but if he’s out of town, well, my house is always open.”

Tony reached his arm up to put it around Clay’s shoulders. “Thanks Clay. I love you buddy. But you know, I think between you and Foley, there’s enough horny teens in one house.”

Clay sputtered, flailing his arms. “Wait, what do you mean?” His voice had risen an octave. Did Tony know? Clay himself barely understood his feelings. “Me and Justin, I mean, Justin and I aren’t horny. Together. What?”

“Woah,” Tony said. “It was just a joke about teenage boys. Although we are 18, old men now.” Tony pulled Clay’s shoulder in, hugging him sideways. “You know Justin’s not actually your brother. You got a little crush there Clay?”

Clay shook his head vigorously, but before he could come up with a better defense, Graciella had run over and jumped into Tony’s lap, swinging her feet onto Clay’s lap.

“Hi Clay,” she said. “Did you miss me?”

Clay nodded, still too shocked to say anything.

“Good,” said Graciella. She looked up at Tony and Clay, focusing on their position. “I didn’t know you could have two boyfriends, Tonio! Lucky!”

Clay turned a brilliant red and Tony burst out laughing. “Graciella with the perfect timing,” he said. Tony let go of Clay and grabbed Graciella up tight. “You know, two men can cuddle without being boyfriends. Plus Clay is straight, or I would have tried to date him years ago.” Tony elbowed Clay to show it was a joke, still laughing.

Now this was familiar territory. “Like he’d ever notice me with Caleb around!” Clay said in a stage whisper to Graciella.

Clay looked up at Tony, the person he trusted to have his back more than anyone, and decided it was time to put words to his feelings. “But, I’m not sure I’m straight, anymore. Or maybe ever. I think I’m Bi.”

Graciella didn’t seem to care about Clay’s revelation, but Tony smiled at Clay and tilted his head forward so their foreheads touched. “Bi, huh? I’m proud of you, buddy.”

Graciella squirmed out of Tony’s grasp and jumped up. “See, boyfriends!” She yelled. “I’m telling Caleb. Now come play Tonio.” Then she ran out to the backyard.

Tony put his hand on Clay’s shoulder. “Let’s talk about this later? Duty calls.”

Clay nodded and smiled in understanding. “Thanks, Tony.”

\-------------

Justin stared at the checker board like if he looked hard enough, the pieces might grow mouths and tell him what to do. No luck.

“So we made it past the halfway mark, huh,” said his opponent. Karen had started the same time as him, becoming the closest thing to a friend that you could make in a place like this. “It’s gonna be over before we know it. Also, it’s your turn.” She loved playing games, any game, but the only one they had that Justin knew how to play was checkers.

“Yeah, I kinda can’t believe it,” Justin said. “Time moved so slowly at first, but now I feel like it’ll be discharge day before I know it. And I’m scared to leave.”

Karen nodded. “Yeah, my first time leaving rehab was a disaster. That’s when I lost my kids.”

Karen had two kids a little younger than Justin, he’d learned. She reminded him of his mother, if his mother had given a shit about him and was trying to get clean instead of accepting her fate.

“You got a pretty good setup to get home to, though. I can’t find a group house that will take me while I’m still on the Suboxone, so I’m back with my sister. And you know what that’s like.”

Justin nodded. He’d heard a lot about Karen’s sister in group. “Yeah, that’s another thing I’m worried about,” he said. “I’m supposed to go off the subox in another month, but until then I’m not supposed to get a sponsor or speak in meetings. But at the same time, they keep stressing how important it is to get a sponsor and go to meetings. That’s fucked up, right?”

“Yeah,” Karen said. “But I did it the regular way without Suboxone last time and failed. So I’m giving it a shot this way.” She shrugged. “Maybe it will work for us.” She looked down at the board. “It’s still your turn.”

“Rights,” Justin said. The next became clear and he captured two of her pieces.

“Damn. It’s a good thing you don’t know how to play chess, or I’d lose my title as best player.” Karen was very proud of her title as reigning chess champion. “So, enough addict talk. You ever figure out what to do about that relationship?”

“You mean Jess?” Justin asked.

“Nah, I know enough about her. I mean when Dr. Garcia was here.” Karen laughed. “You were so cute asking about your friend, like it was your first crush. I think it’s nice to have something innocent like that. You never said his name.” Karen glanced up from the board. “Or her name.” She was clearly giving him an out.

But Justin had already talked about this with Dr. Adams, and he was gonna have to talk about it when he got back, too. Here goes nothing, he thought. “His name is Clay. I think I really like him. Like-like him.”

Karen smiled, waiting for more details.

“But he’s straight, maybe. And even if he’s not, I’m so fucked up there’s no way I’d be good for him. And I love him too much to saddle him with my problems.”

“Hey,” Karen interrupted. “No talk like that, come on. Reframe it.” They we’re big on reframing things, it was some kind of therapy Justin could never remember the name of, but it seemed to be working.

“Yeah yeah. I have a lot to offer and he’d be lucky to have me.” Justin’s reframings we’re always a little sarcastic. He still wasn’t ready to be so unforgivingly nice to himself. Sometimes the trick really worked, though.

“Actually, I would be good for him. I understand him like no one else, and I call him on his bullshit. Plus I know just how crazy he is, but that’s what makes me love him so much.” And the things I could do to him in bed, he’d never want to leave, but he’d keep that part to himself.

“Well,” Karen said. “I know we’re not supposed to hang out outside of the program, but I may just have to look you up. I gotta know how this ends.”

“Probably ends with this conversation,” Justin said. He won that game, and they didn’t talk about Clay anymore. But as he fell asleep that night, Justin couldn’t get Clay out of his mind.

\-------------

With Clay sleeping on the couch in the living room and Tony on the floor of Graciella’s room, they hadn’t had any time alone the whole trip. So it was no surprise to Clay when Tony pulled into a rest stop on the way home, shut off the car, and looked over at Clay.

“Clay, this was a big weekend for you, huh? I mean I always thought you might swing both ways, but wasn’t sure if you thought so too. You wanna talk about it?”

Clay shrugged. “I mean, I guess I just hadn’t thought about being bi before. I knew I wasn’t gay. I thought about that a lot when the rumors started, but since I was definitely attracted to girls it didn’t seem right.”

Tony shook his head. “It’s called bisexual erasure, Clay. I’m a full six on the Kinsey scale, so I can’t relate too much, but I don’t think being bi is any less valid. Thank you for trusting me with this. I’m proud of you.”

Then Tony’s face lit up with excitement. “And now we can talk about guys! I may be a ‘butch gay,’ as Ryan once called me, but I still like men.”

“Yeah you do,” Clay said. “Hot older men.”

Tony lightly punched Clay in the shoulder. “Hey, he’s barely in his 20s. I should have known you’d be the jealous type. Maybe I should see if he has any single friends for you.”

Clay’s eyes opened wide. “What, wait, umm… wait.”

Tony laughed at Clay’s discomfort. “I’m joking Clay. Don’t worry. At least, not until you ask me to. But seriously, is there someone? How did you figure this out? You can’t just have stumbled on the wrong porn and realized it was time to come out. Who was it?”

Clay turned his head to look out the window. “Well, it’s complicated. Not the bi part. I mean that was confusing, until I had my first sex dream about a guy a few months ago. It blew my mind, but at least it answered some questions.” Clay looked over at Tony, who was smiling like he knew just the kind of dream Clay was talking about.

“There is someone though. I can’t tell you who it is, but it’s a close friend. And even if he wasn’t straight, and was into me, which I don’t think he is, there’s just so many reasons why it won’t work.”

Tony looked right at Clay and said the last thing he expected. “It’s obviously Justin,” Tony said. “I see the way you guys act, and it ain’t like I’ve ever acted with my brothers. Damn, Clay. That is pretty complicated.”

Clay shouldn’t have been surprised that Tony figured it out. Tony knew him about as well as anyone else, and he’d always been perceptive. But it had taken Clay so long to realize, it felt unfair that it was so easy for Tony to see.

“Look Clay, don’t you think after everything we’ve been through, you deserve happiness? Shit, if anything comes out about Monty, we might all be in jail before the year is over. We don’t have time to waste.”

Unfair or not, Tony had a point. “Well, he did wink at me last time I saw him. But he had that Justin smirk, so who knows what it meant.” Clay pursed his lips. “And what about Jess? I don’t want to cause her any pain.”

“Jessica is stronger than anything you could do, Clay. Plus, she’s no stranger to changing her mind, just look at her triangle with Justin and Alex. I think she’ll understand. She cares about both of you. Even if she’s hurt at first, I’m sure she’ll get over it.” Tony was always the reasonable one.

“I guess. That’s not even the first hurdle, though.” Clay clutched his hands together, feeling guilty. “I mean he isn’t even back from rehab yet. I can’t do anything to jeopardize his sobriety. How selfish would that be.”

Tony shrugged then nodded. “That’s probably true, you’ll have to give him some time. But I think it’s up to him, Clay. and again… prison. at any time. Carpe diem, as Hannah would say.”

Clay smiled. They were finally in a place where they could mention Hannah, the good things. “You’ve got an answer for everything, Tony. But what about my parents? I don’t think they’d be happy with me hooking up with my roommate, guy or girl! They can’t just tell us to leave the door open every night once they find out.”

“Now that, I don’t know,” Tony said. “But if you can’t solve that little problem after everything we’ve done, then you’re not the Clay Jensen I know.”

Tony hit the power button and put the car into reverse. “Now, let’s get you home so we can figure out how to get your man.”

Clay reached over and squeezed Tony’s shoulder. “Thank you, Tony. I’m lucky to have you.”

Tony patted Clay’s hand. “Anytime.”


	6. Christmas Is My Favorite Holiday

Justin was excited to go home. He’d said his goodbyes to the other patients and thanked the staff, and now was waiting for the Jensens to finish their exit meeting with Dr. Adams.

Clay hadn’t come, but Justin knew he was at home getting ready for Christmas dinner. Justin thought they shouldn’t have delayed it just for him, but the Jensens had insisted, even if it was a week late.

It’s not that he didn’t appreciate that they were including him, but he honestly didn’t care about Christmas. Not after so many years of childhood disappointment. Sometimes Bryce’s family would get him a gift, but that was about it.

Still, they’d had extended visitor hours at the Center on Christmas day, so it wasn’t all bad this year. He’d gotten to hang out with Tony and Clay, Clay’s parents, and then Jess and Ani, which was surprisingly not awkward.

Dr. Adams had explained that the dinner was probably more about the Jensens wanting to make a statement and find some normalcy than it was about the holiday itself, so Justin was happy to go along with it. He’d even done some drawings as gifts for the family.

The door opened and Dr. Adams walked out, followed by Clay’s parents. “Well, Justin,” the doctor said, “I really enjoyed getting to know you these last few weeks. I know you have a lot of work ahead of you, but don’t forget how much you’ve already accomplished too. We’ll see you back here next week for outpatient group.”

Justin stood up to shake his hand, then turned to the Jensens. “Alright?”

Lainie smiled. “We’re good to go! And none too soon because who knows what Clay is doing with my ham in the oven. Let’s go.” And then she marched off.

Matt put his arm around Justin’s shoulders as they walked out, keeping them a few steps back. “You know, your sobriety comes before anything else right now, Justin. I know you and the crew always have each other’s backs, but if anything comes up, or you just need someone to talk to, please, please come to me. I won’t tell Clay or Lainie anything you don’t want me to. I know we’re still figuring out this whole adoption thing, but I’m not ever giving up on you. Come to me if you have to, for any reason. Ok?”

Justin had no idea how to respond. He’d had a few coaches who’d looked after him, teachers that seemed to care for a year or two. But he’d never had a father. He looked up at Matt and just nodded.

Matt kissed him on the head and then pulled his arm away, speeding up to catch Lainie. Matt’s casual affection was more than Justin could take, and he felt the tears sliding down his face, tickling his cheek. Shit, he thought to himself. He was trying to embrace his emotions, sure, but that didn’t mean he had to keep crying in public.

Justin had mostly gotten control of himself by the time they were seated in the car, but Lainie must have noticed, because she reached back to pat his leg. “We love you, Justin. Hopefully your first day back won’t be too overwhelming, but let us know if it is. Christmas is my favorite holiday, so I tend to go overboard sometimes.”

Matt laughed and nodded in agreement. “Our own Misses Clause.”

Lainie looked at him in mock anger. “Hey, watch it. She’s 40 years older than me. You know Christmas was the only vacation my firm used to let us take without having to work from home. That made it special. Things are better now, working with Dennis Vasquez, but I've become used to Christmas being dedicated family time.”

Their easy banter was exactly what Justin needed to pull him back into the moment. Justin smiled at her and wiped the last tears from his eyes. “Well, I can’t wait to see how the Jensens do Christmas. And I can’t wait to eat some real food!”

Matt and Lainie laughed. Justin’s appetite was a common family joke.

Justin settled back and watched the world slip by, thinking about how much had changed in the last month, and wondering how much hadn’t.

\-------------

Clay felt apprehensive about Justin coming home. He was definitely excited to have him back. But he didn’t know what to expect. He’d imagined every possible outcome, every best and worst case scenario, and he hadn’t come to any sort of resolution about what to do with his feelings. Just because he finally understood them didn’t mean he knew how to act on them.

After warring with himself, he’d decided his best bet was to default to their old relationship, the mostly supportive but slightly combative one that kept Justin at the appropriate distance, at least in the beginning.

But Clay wasn’t sure he could pull it off anymore. Justin had gotten a lot warmer towards Clay after he stopped hiding his addiction, like he no longer had to keep Clay at arms length to protect himself.

And with that had come better hugs, which weren’t helping Clay control his fantasies. And he never knew how long to hold them, what was normal for two platonic friends. Yet another thing to stress about.

Clay’s phone buzzed, a text from his dad. _Clay, we’re almost home. Better get off your phone and start doing what your mom told you. - Dad._ Clay’s dad always texted in full sentences, like he was writing a letter.

Well, time to make the mashed potatoes, and get his shit together. No matter what Clay decided to do with his feelings, on Justin’s first day back, he’d need his friend Clay and nothing else. And for a friend in need, Clay would always pull it together.

Clay was almost done mashing the potatoes when the front door slammed. “Clay, we’re home,” his mom yelled.

Before Clay knew it, Justin had come up and grabbed him from behind, causing him to drop the potato masher into the bowl. Clay stiffened up in shock, then got ahold of himself and relaxed into the hug in his best approximation of just being friends.

“Welcome home, Justin. I’m glad you’re back, so we can finally get Christmas over with.” Clay felt Justin’s body shake in response, laughing at his curmudgeonly ways.

After a minute, Justin let go, so Clay rotated around and gave him a proper hug, not caring in that moment what it might imply. “But seriously, I missed you. I’m really glad you’re back.”

“I’m glad to be back,” Justin said, seemingly content to stay in a second hug. “I want to hear how it’s really been. But first, Christmas, right?”

Clay laughed. “Yeah, first Christmas.” Clay heard his parents coming into the room, so he dropped the hug and turned back around to fish the potato masher out of the bowl.

Lainie clapped her hands, all efficiency now. “Ok, what’s left. Let’s see. Justin, will you set the table? Matt, fill up the water glasses.” She walked up to inspect the mashed potatoes. “Clay, how did you manage to get so messy?”

Clay’s hands were covered in mashed potato from the handle of the masher. “It was Justin,” he mumbled.

Lainie laughed. “I feel like you’re 5 again. Ok, let’s get this show on the road!”

\-------------

Justin felt like he was on a sitcom about a happy, normal family. Dinner was delicious, and everyone was on their best behavior. Once Justin had declared he was full, long after everyone else, they all gathered in the living room.

The Jensens were big on presents. The Christmas tree glowed brightly in the corner, and the coffee table was heaped high with gifts. Justin figured most of them were for Clay, Matt and Lainie, so he didn’t feel too awkward about his lack of presents.

Clay got up and grabbed the first gift on the stack. “I don’t know how other families do this,” he said, “but our tradition is to go around watching each other open gifts. It’s weird. This one’s for you.”

Justin took the gift, feeling suddenly awkward. Sure, some of the years his mom had been using less, they’d had a version of Christmas, the best she could pull together. And sometimes the better boyfriends would feel guilty and get him some dollar store toys. But this was a whole other level. The gift was nicely wrapped in thick fancy paper, the kind that probably cost as much as any present he could buy.

Clay handed out the rest of the gifts, and they all had a little pile in front of them. Justin’s drawings suddenly seemed like a childish joke. But he’d learned a long time ago that it was better to give the crappy gift first, so it couldn’t be compared to anything.

“Hold up,” Justin said, jumping up from the couch. He went to grab the drawings from his bag. “I didn’t really have time to prepare for this, obviously, but I made you guys some drawings. They’re probably dumb.” Then he gave one drawing to Clay and handed one to Lainie. “This one’s for you and Matt.”

Lainie looked at the picture and smiled. “I love it, Justin. This is the sunset from our front porch, right?” Justin nodded.

“It’s really good, Justin. Really, really good,” Matt said. “You can tell what it represents, but it has a very romantic quality to it.”

Lainie nodded. “It does, actually. We’ll have to get this framed, of course.”

Justin sat back down next to Clay, surprised at how happy their reaction had made him.

Clay studied his drawing. Justin had drawn him a picture of the Crestmont sign, in bright cheery colors.

He knew Clay had mixed feelings about his memories there, but thought maybe it was time to be reminded of the good ones. He’d been a little worried it might upset him, but it looked like he’d guessed correctly.

“Thank you,” Clay said, quietly, so only Justin could hear. “It’s perfect.”

Justin gave Clay a half smile, feeling both embarrassed and proud. Time to move on. “So, what did Santa bring you this year, Clay?”

Clay seemed to understand Justin’s need to take the focus off. He picked up a small box. ”Now what would come in a box this size?” Clay carefully ripped open the paper to reveal a set of AirPods. “Nice. Thank you. Santa must have read my wish list.”

Clay’s parents each opened a gift, and then it was Justin’s turn again. He grabbed a big flat box and held it in his lap. _To: Justin, Love: Matt & Lainie_. Justin looked up at them. “You guys really didn’t have to get me anything. You’ve already done so much, too much.” He shook his head.

“Oh it’s nothing big, Justin,” said Lainie. “And I love buying presents for people. Just open it!”

If there was one thing Justin had loved as a kid, it was getting to rip open the wrapping paper when he’d gotten a present, usually from Bryce, or more likely, Bryce’s nanny at the time. So he grabbed a corner and started pulling.

Clay laughed. “Of course that’s how you open a present. Never change, Justin.”

Justin grinned. He stopped ripping once he saw what was inside. “How did you know? I don’t think I even said anything.”

“Well, I remembered how much you liked playing checkers with your friend, what’s her name,” Matt said.

“Karen,” Lainie filled in.

“Yeah, Karen. And I thought it would be fun if we could play it together, you know, every now and then. When you need a break from the fast-paced world.” Matt looked over at Lainie. “And then Lainie remembered that you’d been idly playing with the chess pieces during one of our visits, so we thought, why not chess?”

Justin smiled. “I’d really like that. To play with you, well, when you’re not too busy.” He looked down at his lap. “I don’t know how to play chess, though. I wish I did. Karen always made fun of me that I never learned and she hadn’t even finished high school and still knew how to play. ”

“Well, that part’s easily remedied,” Matt said. “I think it’s as fun to teach as it is to play. We’ll have you kicking my ass in no time.”

“No one can beat my dad,” Clay said. “I gave up a long time ago. Good luck with that.”

Justin looked over at Clay and laughed. “Maybe you’re not the smart one after all.”

Clay laughed, too, harsher. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure Ani took over that title.”

Justin just nodded, unsure of how much more he could say in front of Clay’s parents.

“OK, Clay, I’m really excited for this one,” Matt chimed in, handing Clay a rectangular-shaped package.

“Looks like a book,” Clay said. He opened it as carefully as he’d unwrapped his other presents, slowly revealing big bright letters on the spine.

“One, q, eight, four,” Justin read from the spine. “What is that?”

Clay shrugged.

“This is one of my favorite books from the last 30 years,” Matt explained. “It’s a lot to read, and it isn’t always the most uplifting. But Murakami deftly handles a lot of hard themes. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this for most high schoolers, but fiction can be a healthy way to process real life experiences. That, and it’s a great read.”

Clay flipped the book open to the inside flap and started reading the summary. “Thanks, Dad. I think I’ll really like this. And it’s been a while since I’ve had time to just sit and read. I miss that.”

After that, Matt and Lainie opened their last presents, and Justin figured they were done when the coffee table was empty of gifts. Then Clay surprised him, reaching over to the side of the couch to grab one more present.

“I got you something, too.” Clay handed the bag to Justin. “I remember you talking about how fun it was to use all the colors when drawing. So I thought, if you want, we could paint a mural or something on the far wall in the Outhouse. Just go crazy with color. Whatever design you want. I’ll help enact your vision.” The words tumbled together, like Clay wanted to get the explanation over with. “Mom already helped me paint the wall with white primer, so it’s ready to go.”

Justin looked inside the bag to find an array of acrylic paints, in all the standard colors, plus a set of neon ones and even a couple metallic ones. “You’d want to look at whatever I came up with, every day? What if you don’t like it? What if it’s really bad?”

Clay’s smile drooped.

Justin had to make sure Clay understood he wasn’t rejecting the gift, just the idea that he was good enough to come up with the design. “Wait, Clay. I really love it. These colors are fucking awesome. I can’t believe they even have metallic paint like this. And I’ve never gotten to choose the color of my own room before. But you know I’m just goofing around? I’m not that good.”

Lainie held up his picture. “This drawing you made would say otherwise, Justin.”

“No, Justin,” Clay said. “I mean yeah, your drawings are really good. But the point is I don’t even care. When I wake up after a nightmare and see the wall, and know that you designed it, and that we worked on it together, that will mean so much more to me than how good it is. Plus our walls are a little too close to the color of the jail cell. I want something crazy now. No more gray.”

Justin nodded, the sides of his mouth twitching up slightly. “I hear that,” he said. The Center had been a lot nicer than juvie, but the walls had been pretty boring there too.

“If you want, once you sketch out the design, Tyler and Tony said they’d be happy to come help fill in the lines. And maybe you can get Zach to come, so he can do the part near the ceiling.”

“He will if we bribe him with pizza. That sounds awesome, Clay.” Justin was over the shock and trying to reframe his thinking. He bet he could actually figure out something pretty cool for the wall. And it would be fun, with the crew. He really was excited about all the colors in the bag, already thinking about mixing some of them together.

Clay had clearly been paying attention, and it showed in his gift. Justin was used to people doing things for him, out of obligation, or guilt, or charity. But this was different. This was out of love.

Suddenly, it was too much. Justin had been around happy families before, sure, but he’d given up on hope a long time ago, and part of that meant he’d stopped even fantasizing about what it might feel like to have a loving family of his own. Now that he did, it felt fucking beautiful. But he didn’t know how to process this much emotion without crying, and he didn’t want them to see that, not again.

Justin stood up, setting the gift bag aside. “Thank you, all of you,” he announced. “I really like both gifts, and can’t wait to use them with you. Tonight was a Christmas like I’ve never had before, and I can’t thank you enough. I love you.” Justin looked around at each of them, making sure they knew how much he meant it. “Ok, now the least I can do is go start cleaning up after dinner. Then maybe when I’m done, we can break out the chessboard?”

Matt studied Justin for a second, then nodded and smiled. “It was truly our pleasure, Justin. And thank you. I’ll let you get a head start but I’m coming to help in a little while.”

Justin just nodded and slipped out of the room. Before he was even in the kitchen, the tears started falling. Justin cried in part because he resented that he’d never had this before. But mostly, Justin cried because he had it now. This family, this feeling, it was really his.

By the time Matt came in, Justin had gotten his tears under control and the dishwasher fully loaded, and he was halfway through the hand washing.

“Time for me to take over,” Matt said. “Thanks for getting this all done, Justin.”

“No prob.” Justin washed the soap off his hands and dried them on a towel, then turned to face Matt. “Today was really nice.”

Matt looked at Justin for a second. “Are you OK, kid?” he said. “Come here, kid.”

Justin was embarrassed, sure his eyes were still red from crying. Some of his mom’s boyfriends would have mocked him for it, but he felt safe around Matt. He grabbed him in a hug.

Matt gripped Justin tightly, then pulled back to look at him. “Today was a lot, I bet, especially after you were gone for a month. You made Lainie really happy, so thank you. She loves Christmas, and didn’t want to do it without you. But it’s OK if you need a few days to acclimate to life here, you know. We can give you a little space, if you need it.”

Justin shook his head vigorously. “No, it wasn’t too much, not at all. Today was,” he paused, searching for the words. “Today was just right. I never imagined I’d have a Christmas like that.”

Justin looked down, feeling too shy to put this into words, but wanting to make sure Matt understood. “I’m really lucky to have you guys, now. And the gifts took me by surprise, that’s all. I never really had someone get me a gift like that, like they were paying attention. And you don’t even expect anything in return.” Justin looked back up to see Matt smiling sadly.

“I’m glad you liked the gifts, Justin. You deserve to have gifts like that, for the rest of your life. And you’re part of our family now, so you should get used to it.” Matt looked back towards the living room. “You should probably let Clay know some of this, too, because he was really agonizing over what to get you. Why don’t you go set up the chessboard, and I’ll get this done quick.”

Justin smiled and nodded at Matt, wiping away a last tear. “Will do.”


	7. Fanfic Has Its Uses After All

Things were pretty much back to normal a few weeks after Christmas. Well, as normal as they got at Liberty. Clay spent his days hanging out with the cover-up crew, as he’d taken to calling them. And he’d made it his mission to ensure Tony graduated, covering for him in classes, bringing him assignments, and doing homework together at the shop when Justin was at practice.

Clay and Ani were back to being easy friends, but nothing more serious. Clay had even been willing to hear her talk about Bryce, a little.

The few times he’d seen Ms. Walker while visiting Ani, it had seemed like she’d lost a part of herself. It made him realize that Bryce hadn’t been a monster to everyone. Clay still hated him, but he was starting to forgive Ani for her feelings. It didn’t mean he was ready to date her, and kind of didn’t matter since he couldn’t stop thinking about Justin, but at least they were getting along.

Their relationship really solidified when Clay discovered Ani was a big Stormpilot fan and asked her to be his beta reader. Nothing like a good OTP to bring people together. He’d just sent her a new chapter yesterday and was waiting for her reaction.

Finally, Clay’s phone vibrated. He dug around the covers and pillows, looking for where he’d thrown it when he’d jumped on his bed. There it was, under a couple of textbooks he’d grabbed but still hadn’t opened.

Clay unlocked the phone and checked his texts. _first half was brilliant,_ it read. _the tension was very believable._ _got a little weak in the second half._

Ani never pulled her punches.

_5050 isn’t bad_, Clay joked. _i’ve never written slash before, you know. don’t have a lot of experience with this…_

She texted back right away. _the issue isn’t the mxm. seduction has nothing to do with the gender of either party. yours needs a little work._

Clay wasn’t sure if that was a dig at him, or if she was just talking about the fic. Either way, it wasn’t helpful. _well what do i do, watch a rom com? this isn’t that easy to research. help me._

His phone buzzed again. _i can’t write it for you. plus you know the stuff i write is a little harder, not this sweet crap you put out._

Clay heard a knock at the door and then Justin walked in, hair still wet from showering after practice.

“Hey Clay.” Justin threw his bag down in a chair and went to the fridge to grab a soda. “Fuck me, I’m tired.” He sat in a chair facing the big white wall, which now had some outlines sketched onto it. “You really think everyone will come help us paint this weekend?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t they? It’s either hang out here or hang out at Monet’s, and here they get to splatter paint all over our crap. Reminds me we gotta get some tarps before the weekend.”

Justin laughed. “Good thing we have you to think of all these problems, Clay. I better finish sketching out the big chunks. What are you working on?”

Clay shrugged. “Just writing. You know, a story.” Justin had asked him about his fanfics a few times, and what kind of stories would need the search terms Clay had shown him, but Clay still wasn’t ready to let him read any.

Justin wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “What’s this one about?”

Clay’s phone buzzed then. Saved by the bell.

_you should ask justin about seduction techniques. i bet he’d even show you some, _Clay read. He felt his face getting hot. He hadn’t told Ani about his feelings for Justin, but she’d picked up on them a little, and wasn’t above making fun of him.

Of course Justin noticed. “Now who was that from? Must have been exciting!”

“Nothing! I mean, just Ani. Nothing exciting,” Clay said.

Justin got up like he was heading over to his bed, but before Clay knew it, he’d lunged over and grabbed Clay’s phone. “Nice try, Clay. I know what makes you blush like that. Let’s see this.”

Clay’s stomach dropped as Justin read the texts.

“Woah,” Justin said, looking back up at Clay. “Wow, Clay. Seduction techniques, huh?”

“Look, it’s just research for a fic, alright? I’m writing this scene and Ani thought it wasn’t realistic.”

Justin handed the phone back to Clay and perched on his bed. “She’s right though, I can help. I’m serious. You have to let me read this one, though. So what’s it about?”

Clay figured it couldn’t get any more embarrassing than it already had, so he might as well come clean. “It’s a Stormpilot AU. Finn and Poe from Star Wars.”

Justin was looking at Clay like he was a puzzle to be figured out. “I didn’t realize you were writing stories like that,” Justin said. “So who’s doing the seducing?”

“It’s my first time writing mxm,” Clay said. “But the relationship feels easier, less fraught with two guys. And,” Clay paused. Now was as good a time as any to come out to Justin, he thought. “And I guess it’s kind of exciting to explore what it’s like with two guys. If you know what I mean. I have no experience, obviously. But Ani thinks that shouldn’t matter, that seduction is seduction no matter who’s involved, and she said mine is crap.”

Justin took Clay’s revelation in stride, but he had a gleam in his eyes. “I don’t agree with her, actually. I wouldn’t seduce a guy and a girl in the same way.” Justin got up slowly and walked over to Clay’s bed, maintaining eye contact the whole time. He sat on the very edge of the bed.

Clay froze, unsure what was happening, unsure how to react.

Justin smiled at Clay, a hungry smile Clay had never seen before. “For example, if I was trying to seduce you, I wouldn’t play as many games. I’d be more direct about what I want.” Justin shifted till they were facing each other, his leg brushing Clay’s.

Clay was hyper aware of where his body touched Justin’s, his nerves tingling with the proximity. He had no idea what was happening. Was Justin just showing off his skills, to help him with his fic? Was this something more? Clay remained stock still, unsure of how to act, no matter what Justin’s intentions were.

Justin leaned in. “And I’d probably tell you that I’d been thinking about doing this for a long time. That some nights, it was torture having you all the way over here, when I wanted you in my bed.” Justin placed his hand on Clay’s thigh, lightly. “And I’d see how you react to touch, like this. See if it made you feel the same way it made me feel.” He started brushing his fingers lightly over Clay’s thigh.

Justin’s touch set off a wave of sensation for Clay. They’d gotten more tactile over the last few weeks, in a platonic way, but this was different. Clay’s whole body felt like it was buzzing. He felt Justin’s touch deep in his stomach, a molten feeling that seemed to overflow until the heat reached his groin.

“What is this, Justin,” Clay asked. “What are you doing. Are you teasing me?” Clay’s mind raced. Justin would never go this far for a joke, would he?

Justin leaned in, pushing up against Clay. “Maybe at first. But I’m not teasing, not if you want this. I’ve thought about doing this a lot. When I see you studying, I can’t help thinking how cute your concentration face is. When you get out of the shower, it’s all I can do not to stare. I find you so sexy.” Justin’s hand stopped moving, and he started to look a little concerned. “Is this OK, Clay? Did I go too far?”

Clay was usually a very methodical person. He liked to consider and reconsider his actions, and hated rushing into things. But this time, he wanted to jump in headfirst. He was so turned on he could barely contain himself. It felt like everything he’d always wanted was coming true, and he didn’t have it in him to consider the ramifications. All he cared about was how good Justin’s touch felt. And they’d barely even begun.

“No, Justin. No, I want this too. I need you.” Clay looked over in the direction of the main house, realizing one small complication. “But we need to lock the door.”

Justin laughed. “We really do,” he said, and jumped up.

Clay felt like the air was thick, like he was moving though a dream. He got up and met Justin halfway from the door. It was like someone else was in control of his body, someone who knew just what to do, unleashed by Justin’s declaration. Clay reached up to grab the back of Justin’s head, their lips meeting in an explosion of heat and pressure. His whole world narrowed to just the two of them, the feeling their bodies created together.

Justin deepened the kiss, opening his mouth, caressing Clay’s lips with his tongue. The sensation went straight into Clay, shooting down to land in his crotch. Clay was rock hard.

Justin moved his arm to Clay’s lower back and pulled him in tight. Clay involuntarily bucked his hips against Justin, and felt his erection press against Justin’s, equally hard. They stayed like that for an infinite amount of time, kissing and grinding, until Clay felt light headed, all the blood pooling deep inside.

Justin pulled back first, panting. “I’m not gonna last much longer. And I’m not letting our first time end with us coming in our underwear. Let’s go, Jensen.” Justin grabbed Clay’s shirt and pulled it over his head. He ran his hands all over Clay’s torso, lighting him on fire with every caress.

Then Justin started marching forward, propelling Clay with his body, until Clay’s legs hit the bed. Clay collapsed backwards, trying to pull Justin down with him, but Justin resisted. “We gotta get your pants off first.”

As Justin slid Clay’s pants down, Clay’s erection got trapped in his underwear, straining to break past the elastic. Finally, with a thwack, it popped free, slapping against his stomach. The cool air against his throbbing erection, and Justin’s hungry stare, took him to a whole new level of horny. Precum dripped from his tip, pooling on his stomach.

“You’re fucking beautiful, Clay,” Justin said throatily. “You have no idea what you do to me.” Justin slowly pulled his own shirt up, Clay’s eyes devouring every inch of exposed skin. Justin threw the shirt off, then reached down to the waistband of his mesh shorts, sliding them down with excruciating slowness.

Clay groaned, unable to contain himself. “Hurry up. Get down here, Justin.”

Justin smiled, clearly loving the effect he was having on Clay. He slid his shorts the rest of the way off, freeing his thick erection. He was uncircumcised, Clay noticed, his ramrod-straight length ending in a trimmed bush.

Clay had fantasized about this moment, but Justin was even more delicious naked than he could have imagined.

Justin kneeled down and leaned over, inches from Clay’s erection. “I’ve wanted to suck your dick for so long.” He licked a long strip, starting at the base and ending at the tip, before twirling his tongue around the head.

Clay had masturbated as much as any guy his age, but he’d never felt a feeling like this before. When Justin took him into his mouth, just the tip, he bucked involuntarily. Justin slowly sucked Clay in deeper while sliding his hand up Clay’s abs. His mouth felt so warm and good, Clay wasn’t sure how long he would last.

When Justin started picking up the pace, it was too much, and Clay put his hand on Justin’s head to stop him. “Wait,” Clay said, “I’m about to cum. And I want to do that to you, too.” Clay didn’t care how clumsy his sex talk was, all he cared about was getting what he wanted. “I want to suck your dick, Justin.”

“Fuuck, Clay.” Justin climbed up the bed until he was on top of Clay, kissing Clay and pressing their erections together. “I’ve always wanted to try something. And we’ll both get what we want.”

After a heated minute of making out, Justin pulled up and rotated his body around until his erection was dangling heavily above Clay’s face. It looked even bigger from this angle.

Justin shifted over till he was resting on his side. He grabbed Clay’s erection and squeezed, the pressure a whole new level of ecstasy. “How’s this?”

Clay couldn’t speak, so he showed Justin what he thought. He shifted over until their bodies were parallel, then tentatively reached out to Justin’s hard erection. He’d thought about this so many times, he couldn’t believe it was finally happening.

Clay looked down at Justin, who was staring up at him like all he needed in the world was Clay. In that moment, all Clay cared about was making Justin feel what he’d just felt.

Clay leaned in and licked his lips, sliding Justin’s foreskin back, then pulled Justin into his mouth. A little bead of precum hit his tongue, sweet and salty and sour. Clay wanted to get more of that taste. He started to bob up and down, trying to replicate what Justin had done to him.

“Fuck Clay, where did you learn how to do that. That feels so fucking good.” Justin sounded wrecked.

Clay loved sucking dick, he realized. The way Justin’s body trembled under him, Justin’s grunts rewarding him when he got a particularly good rhythm, the feeling of his erection, rock hard and silky smooth at the same time.

Justin moaned, and then Clay felt him leaning in. When Justin started sucking, Clay involuntarily paused, overcome with how good it felt. He couldn’t believe Justin Foley was sucking his dick. But it also seemed like the most natural thing in the world. And the most amazing.

After a minute of enjoying the feeling, Clay got back to work, bobbing up and down on Justin with the same rhythm Justin was giving him. It didn’t take long until he felt Justin shuddering under him, so Clay started sucking harder. He was so close himself, he couldn’t tell where he ended and Justin began. It was like he could feel the sensations from Justin’s dick as well as his own. Justin’s moans got louder, his hips thrusting forward.

When the first taste of Justin’s cum hit Clay’s tongue, it sent Clay over the edge. A wave of energy started at the base of his erection and exploded out as he came in Justin’s mouth. Justin kept sucking, swallowing every drop, a warm, wet vacuum that maximized sensation in a way Clay had never imagined. Clay kept sucking on Justin’s erection, the idea that he was making Justin feel the same way amplifying his own orgasm.

Justin stopped first, his whole body shaking. “Clay, woah, I’m too sensitive.” After a minute of resting his head on Clay’s thigh, Justin flipped up so they were face to face. “I guess since we both taste like cum, you won’t mind kissing me.”

“I’d never mind Justin. Nothing could stop me from wanting to kiss you,” Clay said.

Justin leaned in, and Clay met him halfway. The kiss was slower than their furious make earlier, but no less passionate. Eventually they had to pull up to breathe. Clay’s head flopped back. “I feel like I’m too weak to move. That was amazing.”

“Yeah, it really was,” Justin said. “I always wanted to try 69. And I really fucking wanted to make you cum.”

Clay smiled and pulled Justin in, so Justin’s head was resting on his shoulder. “Me too. I love you Justin. As more than a friend. But now I’m sleepy. Let’s just lie here for a little bit.”

Justin kissed Clay’s cheek. “OK, Clay.”

Clay was pretty proud of his first blowjob. He knew he and Justin had a lot to talk about, but his post orgasm glow, the heat of Justin’s body on his, the smell of Justin’s shampoo, it all combined to make him sleepy. He could lie here forever as long as Justin never left.

With a smile on his face, Clay slowly drifted off to sleep.

\-------------

When Clay’s breathing slipped into a deeper rhythm, Justin realized he’d fallen asleep. He laughed to himself, thinking that of course Clay would be the kind of guy to pass out after sex. It had always amped Justin up, rather than making him sleepy.

Justin thought about getting up, to shower or get dressed, but decided this moment was too perfect. He didn’t know how they were going to do this, what their friends would think, how to handle Clay’s parents. But he knew he’d never been this happy before.

He loved Clay, and Clay loved him, and they both had each other’s backs. They could figure the rest out.

Justin snuggled up tighter against Clay. He thought back to that night, when he’d finally come clean about the drugs.

Clay had looked so serious, but he hadn’t hesitated at all when he said the words that blew Justin’s world open. “Just so you know, I’d do anything for you.” Justin thought about that night a lot.

“Anything,” Justin remembered, and started laughing. He bet Clay didn’t have blowjobs in mind when he’d said those words. Well, Justin was going to show him just how much fun “anything” could be…


End file.
